Sehnsucht…

I believe German words are the best conveyors of emotions. In English, Sehnsucht translates as longing or yearning; however, in German, the meaning goes deeper: “sehen” = seeing; “sucht” = search…searching to see something.

Sehnsucht: my soul-aching search to see my beloved great-aunt Agnes’ lake house one more time. My Aunt Agnes died of cancer when I was 6. It was a Covid-like death-separation–after years of constant interaction, one day she was my everything…the next day she was gone. And so, too, disappeared my access to the enchanting house that had been a family focal point since the 1950s.

As the eldest of 11 children born in Bavaria, Aunt Agnes was the family matriarch for her U.S.-based siblings, the glue that held together all of the German relatives who had immigrated. Perched on a hill overlooking a grand lake, her house hosted every important family gathering over decades and across generations. It was the destination for a weekend away or a water-sport-filled vacation. From the adjoining boat house, after gathering for cocktails and pictures by the fireplace, the family would set off in wooden Chris-Craft boats for black-tie events at the social club or visits to friends and family living around the lake.

The house saw my first steps; and within it, my eyes witnessed the first moon landings and walks; off its boathouse I learned to swim. Aunt Agnes was my very own personal ”Auntie Mame”: an aspiring fashion designer and former boutique owner, her sewing machine could produce marvelous confections, keeping the family well-outfitted in haute couture-knock-offs; the clothing trunks in her attic were my childhood dress-up treasure trove. Her kitchen was always buzzing with projects and cooking–visiting her was magical. I remember studying her every movement with the wide-eyed admiration of a child for a fairy godmother.

Then, in 1971, it came to a screeching halt.

Without her magic fairy dust to hold them together, family members scattered and relationships crumbled. My beautiful idol was lost to me…forever imprinted on my very being with a longing and a hurt that lasted all of my life.

Before my Dad passed recently, I asked him for my Aunt’s address, but he had since forgotten. Yet, the house was seeking me too: upon his passing, I almost immediately discovered in his attic my Aunt’s will with the house address. A Google search quickly yielded a new property sale listing–surprisingly, only a few days prior the newly renovated home had been put on the market!

Thanks to an understanding and obliging realtor, I scheduled a tour and was finally able to quell the decades-long Sehnsucht that had my heart yearning to see the family homestead just one more time.

Rest in Peace Aunt Agnes…and thank you.